


A different Way of Life

by SweetAsHoney



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Child Neglect, Commitment, Drama, F/M, Friendship/Love, Parenthood, Past Child Abuse, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-04-28 16:28:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5097410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetAsHoney/pseuds/SweetAsHoney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year has passed since Lisa has last heard from Dean. One rainy night he shows up on her doorstep, a broken man looking for shelter. Will they find their way back together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work to post on the archive. I'm a big supernatural fan and a sucker for emotional scenes, brotherly love etc. So I had to give this a shot, because I wanted to explore the characters and play with their different reactions.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the "Supernatural" Characters nor the underlying storyline.  
> But I added my own ideas and characters to the story.  
> Now I hope you enjoy reading it.

_Lisa_

All she could do was stare at the man at her doorstep. It was a Thursday night and the weather was lousy as it could be, rain pouring down like the heavens broke all loose and there he was, just like that, after months without a single word from him.

Actually, she had to admit, it had been her to put an end to their relationship, to  the constant pain she felt every time she heard or saw him again, always knowing that it wasn’t meant to last. That his place wasn’t with her and Ben, but out there with his brother, hunting those …“things“…and no matter how much they tried to deny it, he would always be drawn back out there and leave them alone again, with nothing else to do but hope that he’d come back some day but always fearing he wouldn’t.

She hadn’t expected to ever see him again this time, knowing how he had his pride and how seriously he took his responsibility to look after people he cared for, even if it meant to stay away from them to keep them safe.

Yet he was here now and it tore her heart out to see that look in his eyes. A look similar to he one she had seen many times over the past months she had spent with him, trying, pretending to  be a happy family. Only now it didn’t take much at all to see the broken man that he was. He was thinner than before with dark circles under his eyes and deep creases between his brows. His complexion was pale and coulnd’t hide the shadow of a beard that was growing on his chin and cheeks. She could tell, he had tried to fix himself up for her; hair all styled and wearing a new shirt. He even smelled nice an clean.

But who was he trying to fool. There was no way overlooking the shiny black wheelchair he was sitting in and you didn’t have to be a medical professional to know it was not the run oft he mill hospital issue type, but custom made and fit to size.

Lisa swallowed down the lump in her throat and suppressed the urge to bend down and pull him into her embrace. Something inside her told her not to and she felt a mixture of worry and anger build up inside her. Worry about what had happened to Dean and anger that he had left her out up until now.

All those months she had felt like she had been suspended in mid-air-pretending to move on, functioning, trying to have a normal life, going on dates again, all to forget this man and just now, that she had managed to push the memory of him far away into the back of  her mind, he just showed up on her doorstep again, to mess up their lifes again.

A gust of wind blew the rain straight into her face and she shivered, realizing how she must have stared at Dean, while the rain was soaking his hair and clothes. She flinched, pulled her cardigan closer around herself and wordlessly stepped aside, motioning for Dean to come in, inspite of her first instinct to just close the door again on him. Nobody should be out there in this weather.

Dean looked up at her apologetically, then hesitantly unlocked the brakes on his wheelchair to move inside.

The wheels oft he chair left wet trails on the hardwood floor and Dean smirked: „Sorry for not wiping my feet.“ He said in a weak attempt to make light of the situation.

Lisa closed the door and nodded her head towards the sofa. She sat down and waited for Dean to set him self up next to the recliner. „So…“ she started, still torn between processing the hurt that flooded over her and the sympathy she felt for him. „What brings you here?“ was the best she could get out. She smiled weakly, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

Dean swallowed. „Sam…sort of dropped me off. We…,“ he blushed slightly and corrected himself. „ Sam and some other guys are going on a hunt down south, and…“ he cleared his throat, …“figured I couldn’t tag along.“ he paused gesturing to the wheelchair. „So here I am, asking for shelter until the job’s done.“ He lowered his eyes to his hands.

Lisa stayed silent for a long time, taking in the hunched figure of the man she had once loved, maybe still did, not sure what to say or how to react. Then she stood up abruptly and went into the kitchen. „I’m gonna make some coffee,“she said as she made herself busy.

When she came back, Dean had taken off his jacket and put it over the armchair. His duffle bag that he had carried in his lap was now on the floor. Lisa couldn’t help but notice how thin his legs had become even through the baggy jeans he was wearing. After handing Dean a cup of coffee she sat down and sipped on her own.

„So…“she began hesitantly. „What happened?“

Dean cradled his cup in both hands as if he was drawing strength from the hot beverage and took a deep breath. “Got molested by some angry spirit, drove my car off the road, did a couple of somersaults with my car, broke my neck. End of story.“ He shrugged and gave Lisa one of those fake „Don’t worry I’m fine“ smiles that never failed to annoy her.

Lisa nodded seriously. „So you’re…paralyzed?“ she asked.

Dean cringed. „Quadriplegic actually,” he said matter-of-factly “…but incomplete. So lucky me I guess,”he added in a sarcastic tone, bringing his coffee to his mouth with both of his hands slowly. It was not until then that Lisa noticed the lack of strenth and coordination in his hands.

She swallowed hard and felt tears welling up in her eyes. She turned her head away for Dean not to see them. „Why didn’t you call me?“ she asked softer now, when she felt strong enough to hold it together.

Dean snorted. „You did't even pick up your phone last time I tried."

"I, you know... " she began, but Dean didn't hear her out. "And what difference would that have made? There was nothing you could have done." he said bitterly.

Lisa stared at him, taken aback by his harsh reaction,  angrily for shutting her out. „Maybe I could have…“ she said, her voice trembling. But Dean was really worked up now.

„What?!“ he shouted.  „Been there for me?” he shook his head vehemently. “You shut me out of yours and Ben’s lifes for good and I was down with that. I’m not saying I liked it, but I knew that it was best for me to stay away from you, ‘cause I put you in danger, with everything that’s out there, just waiting to kill me…“ He stopped to catch his breath. His hands were shaking now and he carefully leaned forward, bracing himself with one arm on his lap to place the cup on the table in front of him. Then he pushed himself up again before he continued to speak.

„So how does me beeing paralysed suddenly change any of that? I’m still in the business, even if I'm not out there anymore." he paused, taking a deep breath. "It was not my idea to come here, but Sam insisted, because I just couldn’t tag along with them.“ He tried to hide his pained eypression, but Lisa caught up on it anyway.

Lisa stood up and sat closer to him on the couch. She reached out for his hand which felt strangely limp. He flinched but didn’t draw it away. lisa closed her eyes for a bit to collect her thoughts. „I didn’t break up with you because I thought it was too dangerous for us. It was YOU I was worried about. I could’t stand the thought of you getting hurt or even worse not coming back from a hunt at all. I was worried every time you were gone and I couldn’t bear it any longer. Always waiting for you, praying that you'd come back in one piece.“She pressed her lips together. This was exactly what she had feared. Dean being hurt beyond repair. She swallowed. She could only begin to imagine how broken he was inside, could only fathom what he was going through behind his tough facade.

But she had obviously struck a chord with him. He had grown quiet and he was trembling as if it took all his strength to keep it together now. He swallowed and shakily wiped at his eyes with the back of hand. Lisa felt her heart sting and finally gave in to her own need to wrap her arms around him pushing all her reservations and doubts aside. When Deans arms slowly came up around her back she became painfully aware of the lack of strength in them. She could only begin to imagine what he had been through over the past months, both physically and emotionally and she knew him well enough to know that he’d need time to open up. But she realised in that moment that she wanted to be there for him, whenever he was ready. 

After they had both regained their composure Lisa helped Dean settle in the guest room downstairs. It turned out that he needed help with an awful lot of things, like opening buttons, zippers, opening the cap of the toothpaste and all the other fine motor skill things that were now a real challenge to him. He told Lisa that Sam had kept bothering him to buy new clothes, without buttons and pants with elastic bands but that just wasn’t going to happen. Dean Winchester didn’t do sweats. Lisa smiled fondly at his old stubbornness, but could actually see Sam’s point as she watched Dean undress himself painfully slowly and change into a fresh T-shirt, while she put fresh sheets on the bed.  

When she was done, she helped him towel dry his still wet hair since he didn’t have the strength to lift his arms up an behind his back. She watched him brush his teeth with clumsy movements that reminded her of Ben as a toddler, when he’d tried to hold the toothbrush on his own, grasping it with his fist and pushing it back and forth in his mouth with a total lack of coordination. Finally she witnessed the painfully slow procedure of Dean transferring from his wheelchair to the bed. It took all her restraint not to offer him any help that he didn’t ask for. She could sense his discomfort with her watching him, but he didn’t say a thing, just carried on with his actions in a stoic manner. First his shaky fingers fumbled with the belt strap that was secured around his belly. Lisa noticed that he used more the back of his hands or his knuckles in oder to do so. Then he inched himself forward onto the edge of his chair. Fastended the brakes, pushed down on the seat of his chair with one hand and on the matress with the other and with wobbly arms dragged himself over onto the matress. Once there, he shoved the chair a little out oft he way and worked his but inch by inch more onto the bed, then hooked his wrist under his leg an pulled it up, followed by the second one. She could see he had trouble supporting himself on the soft bed, but refrained from interferring as he slowly dragged his unresponding body into the center oft he bed. When he had finally lowered himself down onto the cushions he was panting with exhaustion. Lisa hesitantly sat down on the edge oft he bed and pulled up the covers for him. He blushed and shifted uncomfortably. „I guess you got a first impression of how pathetic I am now.“ He said his voice almost a whisper. Lisa shook her head. „You’re not, Dean. You’re doing good. You’ll keep fighting like you always do.“ she said smiling reassuringly.

“If you need something just yell, “she said. “Good night,” she added before she turned off the light and slipped out of the door, leaving it open a crack.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean

Dean woke up to the first sunrays peeking through the cracks in the blinds and falling onto his face. He grunted, turning his head away. He pulled his hand up to his face an sqinted at his watch. It was only 6.15 and the house was still quiet. It would be another fifteen minutes before Lisa would get up, if her work schedule hadn’t changed over the past months. Dean closed his eyes again and stretched as much as his fucked up body would allow him. He smirked at the thought, knowing how his physiotherapist Jason would give him hell for thinking that way. Jason had spent a lot of effort trying to convince him that he shouldn’t lable himself as disabled, but rather physically challenged. Yeah right, Dean thought to himself. It was a challenge indeed, to drag his body around all day, unable to move or controll most of it. It was exhausting and tiresome and it wasn’t like he hadn’t had enough on his plate even before the accident.  Now he couldn’t even rely on his own body anymore. His job had always been to look after other people. Now he needed people to look after him, help him with the simplest things. And that was something he just couldn't bare. He had been self-sufficient from early on, taking care of Sammy and himself while their dad had been gone on hunts. He had made his own decisions and had hardly ever asked anyone for help. He sighed and rubbed his eyes shakily with the back of his hands. Sure, he could have been worse, even dependent on a respirator. People kept reminding him of that, but they had just no fucking idea. They had no idea what it was like to be trapped in your own body.

When he had first woken up after the accident he had not being able to move a single finger. Only months of hard work in rehab had brought him where he was today. He had somehow dealt with the changes in his life, like he had alway done. He was used to adapting to what life dealt to him, to fight his way through no matter which obstacle was thrown into his way. But this was different. There was no way OUT of this. There was no pulling through to the light at the end of the tunnel. This was it. There was no cure. This was permanent. He'd  spent hours on the internet searching for possible treatments, but whatever was out there was just experimental. Sam had suggested to look into other options in the supernatural world. But he wouldn’t let himself be tempted into another deal with a demon. He was through with that. So a life in a wheelchair it was.

He sighed deeply. Seeing Lisa again had reminded him even more of what he had lost. He had always prided himself in his strong body, had enjoyed the effect he’d had on women, the way they had looked at him with admiration. All he seemed to get nowadays were looks of pity. It was like he had stopped being a man and just become a medical case. Nowadays he spent an awful lot of his time worrying about contractures, pressure sores and bodily functions.  It was just humiliating. Hell, he couldn’t even take a piss on his own, he thought frustrated. He had tried emptying his bladder by means of intermittent catheterization but most of the time it had ended up in a mess due to his lack of fine motor skills. So the doctors had convinced him that he’d be better off with an indwelling catheter, meaning that he had a urine bag strapped to his leg now permanently. He still couldn’t wrap his head around that. He could manage changing the bags just fine  but the catheter still had to be changed every couple of days. He was wondering who would do that for him now. Once he had had to ask Sam to do it, since it was Sunday and no doctor or nurse were available. It had been the most embarassing thing in his life, although Sam had been pretty good about it, arguing that he had seen Dean naked a lot of times before and that Dean had changed his diapers a million times, when he was a baby. But that hadn’t helped at all and Dean still had sworn to himself that this would never happen again.

Pushing those thoughts aside, Dean pushed himself up on his elbows, to get ready. He wanted to see Ben before he left for school, although he was really worried how he’d react- regarding his condition and in general. Last time he had spoken to him, Ben had been pretty angry with him for leaving.

He took his time in the bathroom, got himself cleaned up and dressed in a plain blue T-shirt and black baggy pants. Then he wheeled himself out into the kitchen.

Lisa was already busy, preparing breakfast; eggs with bacon and pancakes, Deans favorite. „Good morning!“ she called out to him from across the room. „Did you sleep well?“ Dean shrugged. „Fine.“ He answered, stopping in the doorway, not sure what to do, feeling awkward in the kitchen, he’d called his own just a few months ago. Noticing his hesitation, Lisa threw him a line. „Wanna take a seat?“ she asked, stopping dead in her tracks at her bad choice of words. But Dean just plastered a noncommital smile onto his face and moved over to the table, pushing one chair out of the way enough for him to take its place with his wheelchair.

Lisa moved over with a stack of pancakes, then grabbed the pan with the eggs from the stove. „How about a nice and hearty breakfast?“ she asked, smiling warmly at Dean. Dean bit his lip. „I’ll just stick with some plain eggs with some whole grain bread, if you got some.“ He  looked up at Lisa. „Kinda have to watch my diet.“ He explained hesitantly, not wanting to go into detail concerning his compromised bowel function. He had cut down on fast food and too much fat or white flour after realizing it didn’t do him any good in that department.

Just then they heard some commotion upstairs and then Ben bolted down the stairs, his backpack slung over his shoulder. „Mom, who are you talkin‘…“ When he saw Dean he stopped dead in his tracks for a couple of seconds, then took the last steps all at once and ran over to him embracing him in a big hug. Dean was taken aback by this reaction so all he could do was just sit there unmoving, relishing the touch. Then Ben pulled back and slowly eyed Dean up and down. He had grown quite a bit and his hair was longer now. Dean could practically hear the gears in his Ben’s head clicking as he assessed him. „What happened?“ the boy then asked concerned.

_Lisa_

Lisa put down the pan and leaned against the counter, watching the two interact. She felt tears come to her eyes as Dean explained what had happened to her son, leaving out the part with the angry spirit. She hadn’t been able to sleep well, thinking about Dean and worrying about how he was dealing. Also, she hadn’t been sure how Ben would react, to Dean being in a wheelchair, but she had to admit that she liked his reaction much better than her own the night before. She could actually see Dean relax the moment Ben slung his arms around his neck.

When he stood back her son’s face grew more serious. „So you’re... paralysed?“ he asked now. Dean nodded. Ben frowned. „But...Are you gonna get better?“ he inquired. Dean looked down at his hands, then up into Ben’s face. „No, buddy, I’m afraid not. Not likely.“ he said seriously. Lisa wiped her tears away quickly and turned her head so the two of them wouldn’t notice.

There was a long pause as Ben was thinking about that. Then a hesitant smile appeared on his face. "Whatever." Ben said. "It doesn't matter. We’ll figure this out, right?!“ she heard Ben say now. „I‘m just glad you’re back.“ The boy added before he pulled out his chair and sat down to eat. Lisa smiled and took the pan to fill up Ben’s plate.

They had breakfast together like in old times, chatting about Ben’s school and friends and forgetting completely about the time. Lisa tried not to stare as Dean struggled with fork and knife. He dropped his food a couple of times, before Ben wordlessly stood up from the table and got a big spoon for Dean. Dean blushed, but took thankfully. Then Ben picked up Dean's knife and buttered his bread for him withou making much fuss about it, carrying on with his own toast, when he was finished. Lisa watched the scene with admiration. All of the sudden he gaze fell onto the clock and she startled. It was quarter past seven already. „Ben, you gotta hurry or you’ll miss the bus.” Ben frowned. „But mom, why can’t I stay home today? Please!?” he begged. “I wanna stay with Dean.“  Dean shook his head. „You gotta go to school man! Learn something. I’m gonna be here for a while, if that’s okay with your mom.” he smiled at Lisa apologetically and she nodded. „We’ll hang out this afternoon, okay?” he said to the boy, who was still lingering near the table „You promise?“ Ben asked. „Yeah, I promise.“ Dean answered.

When Ben had left for school, Lisa poured herself another cup of coffee and offered one to Dean too, who thankfully accepted. He shifted slightly in his chair, then picked up his cup with both hands, covering the palms of his hands with his sleeves against the heat. Lisa watched him intently, trying to figure out how much control he actually had in his arms and hands, but stayed quiet. She was concerned and worried for him and wanted to know more about his condition, but she knew better than to ask him too much too soon.  She sighed and looked him in the eyes. „So…How long do you think you’ll be staying?“ she finally asked. Dean hesitated, before he answered. „Couple of days maybe. Depends on how well the hunt goes. Sam said he’d call me as soon as they know more.“ Lisa nodded. „So you’re still gonna be going back on the road?“ Lisa asked. Dean furrowed his brow. He looked down at his hands, then took a long sip, before he continued. „I’m not sure . I mean, Sam is trying to convince me that I could be their home base, do the research and stuff, but… I’ll never be as good at it as Sam is. And it’s not really my thing. I’m the one to go out there, finish them off,…you know,“ he paused, closing his eyes briefly, as if to collect himself before continuing. Lisa held her breath, waiting for the conclusion they both knew was to come. Dean sounded defeated, his voice almost a whisper, when he continued. „But like this…“ he shook his head, „ I’m just holding him back."

„Dean, that’s…“, Lisa offered but Dean didn’t wait for her to finish. „I can’t protect him anymore, Lisa. I can’t even protect myself!,“ he said frustrated. He shook his head again before he continued. „ I’m sorry for barging in on you like that. I’ll make sure it won’t be long.“ He put the cup down on the table with shaky hands, then released the brakes on his chair, and turned his back on her to leave. A lump formed in her throat. In all of those past months she had never seen him so emotionally on edge. If there wasn’t anything else she could do for him right now, he at least deserved the thruth. To know that she still cared for him.  „Dean, wait…“she called after him. He stopped in his tracks without turning around. „I’m glad you are here. You can stay as long as you want,” Lisa said, trying to put as much conviction as possible in it. “I really missed you.“ she said finally added.

At that Dean turned his chair around, eyeing her confused and slightly irritated. „You missed me? Why the hell would you? Last time I checked you were busy building  a perfect life with your doctor friend, refusing to even talk to me on the phone. Aren’t you worried he’ll get mad at you for taking me in?“ He paused. „...Oh wait! I guess that’s no problem, since I’m a cripple now, right?“ he added bitterly.

Lisa flinched at those harsh words but tried not to let them get to her. She knew Dean well enough to understand that underneath the surface he was deeply hurt and tried to deny it by picking a fight. She took another long draught from her coffee then said: „I broke up with him a couple of months ago. It didn’t feel right. I just could not forget you. And I realised that I should never have let you go.” Dean swallowed, and closed his eyes, turning his head away from her. There was a long pause before he answered. “Well, it's too late now. I’m damaged goods.“ With that he turned to leave. „Thanks for the breakfast,“ he added matter-of-factly, then disappeared into his room.

Lisa looked after him, unable to respond. She had basically been able to see his defenses come up in full gear again. It was no use talking to him in this state of mind. So she let it go for the moment. She had to get ready for work anyway. Maybe they could talk more over lunch. Before she left she knocked on his door, telling him that she’d be back on her lunch break and that he could call her if he needed anything.

 

_Dean_

After Lisa had left Dean busied himself unpacking his duffle and then cleaning up the kitchen. He wouldn’t be any more of a burden as he was anyway. The kitchen still looked like a battlefield. He smiled at the memory of how messy Lisa could be, especially when she had to leave in a hurry. Most oft the time he had cleaned up after her and Ben who really took after his mother. He collected the plates, and balancing them on his lap, brought them over to the sink. Loading the dishwasher was not really an option since he couldn’t maneuver his wheelchair close enough to reach down to put the plates in. He sighed and went back to the table to get the mugs, and cutlery. Picking up the thin metal pieces was the most challenging part and ended up to be a more pushing and shoving thing, until he could lift it up and let it slide into one of the mugs. During his occupational therapy he had practised using special custom made cutlery with extra thick grips, but with the regular stuff he still had a hard time, not to drop everything. 

After he had wiped down the table, he put the milk back into the fridge, then looked around. The dishes, including the frying pan had to be cleaned, but there was no way he could reach the sink from his chair, plus he didn’t have the strength to lift up the heavy pan anyways. Letting out a frustrated sigh he left the kitchen and pushed himself into the living room. He took in it’s apearance. It seemed like it hadn’t changed much since he left. He moved over to the couch, shoving the coffee table to the side and making sure the remote was within his reach before he began transferring onto the sofa. It took him nearly five minutes, considering that his arms were already aching from cleaning up the kitchen. Due to the high level of his injury, he was lacking any strength in his back, shoulders and arms, so it was more a matter of leverage, pushing and shoving himself forward first and then basically dropping down onto the sofa. Then he had to get his legs up, which felt like they each weighed a ton. Finally he pushed the chair back a little, making sure however it was still within easy reach and groped for the remote control. By the time he was lying back against the cushions he was sweating profusely and feeling like he had just done an extensive workout. He pushed aside the feeling of despair that was threatening to overwhelm him again and turned on the TV. He mindlessly flipped through the channels,  while his mind wandered back to rehab and the endless talks he had had with his assigned counselor. At first he had refused to talk, because he had always made things up with himself, not willing to bother anybody else with his personal crap. But after a couple of weeks he had come to realize that THIS was too big for him to handle on his own. So he had finally succumbed to the constant prodding of the counselor to open up. It had helped indeed up to the point that he had started to believe that maybe his life was still worth something, that he could move on and adjust, had even started to think about the possibility of having a normal civilian life. But seeing Lisa and Ben, remembering living with them before made him realize that he would never have that again. EVERYTHING in his life was a challenge now, an obstacle, if not a shameful experience. He had been broken and bruised many times in his life, but never beyond repair. Lisa had said, that she was glad he was here. He snorted. He was sure that she wouldn't be as soon as she realised how much of a burden he really was. He would never do that to her; tie her to him and his broken body. As much as he wanted to, he wouldn’t let it happen. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the desperate thoughts, just any thoughts at all. Trying to concentrate on the sound of the TV he forced his eyes shut, begging sleep to come and claim him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's some insight into Dean's thoughts. You don't get a lot of that on the show, so I hope it's not completely out of character. I think most of the time he just pushes his feelings down into his subconsciousness. But I thought that such a life changing injury might force you to actually deal with them one way or the other.  
> Please let me know what you think by leaving a comment.  
> I'll try to post a new chapter regularly, I have pretty much of the story already written out, but I'm still editing it.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_Lisa_

When Lisa came back home for lunch she found Dean soundly asleep on the couch. She put the boxes of Pizza onto the kitchen counter the kitchen and went over to Dean’s sleeping form, sitting down on the edge of the low table. Again, she was taken aback how thin he had become, how much muscle he had lost. His legs were unnaturally thin and his hands were curved inwards even in his sleep. The stubble of his beard had grown longer since yesterday. He needed shaving. It came to her that judging from the difficulties he’d had this morning using a fork, he probably couldn’t do that on his own. She felt a pain in her guts at the thought of that. She felt the urge to be close to him, to comfort him and show him that she would be there for him, but she held back, knowing that he wouldn’t like that. Instead she took the remote from his hand and switched the tv off. Then she softly called his name. “Dean. I’m back. I brought some Pizza, “she said. Dean blinked and squinted at her. For a moment she thought he was going to say something but then he held back. She remembered his words from earlier about having to watch his diet now and mentally kicked herself for bringing back the greasy stuff. She studied Dean for a moment but he didn’t say anything. “I can whip up some salad, if you like,” she quickly added, thinking to herself instantly how weird this sounded, considering she was talking to Dean. Dean sighed and shook his head: “Pizza is fine, “he said. Then he sat up slowly, struggling to support himself on the soft sofa. Lisa offered him a cushion for his back and when he accepted it she stuffed it unceremoniously behind him. Then she went to get the pizza and some plates from the kitchen.

_Dean_

They ate in silence for a while until Dean found the courage to speak up. “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to…” Lisa smiled at him. “I know, it’s okay….You have a lot to deal with….” She reached out for his hand. He drew it away but didn’t find it in himself to object to what she had said. “So what have you been up to?” he quickly changed the subject. Lisa sighed and wiped her hands on a napkin. “Nothing much. Working, taking care of the garden, getting Ben to do his homework…” she smiled. “You know the deal.” She looked at him obviously checking out his reaction. A small smile crept to his face. “Yeah, I remember.” He said. ”Oh, yes actually there is some news,” Lisa added excitedly. “Ben finally got accepted to play for the school’s baseball team. He was so happy! And he actually scored quite a few hits lately.” Dean smiled contently. He had practiced a lot with Ben and felt excited for him to finally have been accepted. “That’s great, Ben really deserves it. He practiced real hard,” Dean said, feeling proud of his….stepson…or at least that was how he felt about the boy.

_Lisa_

Lisas face lit up at Dean’s reaction. She had always been amazed about the deep connection that had been there pretty much from the moment those two guys met. And she had not only been sad for herself when she’d had let Dean go, but also for Ben to whom Dean had been such a good father figure. She was wondering now, if there was a chance that maybe, given the new circumstances, Dean would actually come back to this domestic life and be that for her son again. But it wasn’t only Ben she was worried about. Over the past year she had come to admit that no matter how hard she tried or how often she told herself that there was no future for her and Dean she hadn’t been able to get over him. Throughout the months she had spent with Matt she had felt increasingly bad about being with him but not being able to truly love him back, when all she dreamt of at night was Dean and the first thing she thought of when she woke up was his handsome face, his beautiful green eyes and freckled skin. And no matter how much she had tried to push those feelings away, they had been too strong. She had longed for the feeling of safety she always had when he was around, the way she just knew he’d always protect her and Ben and make sure they had everything they needed. Dean was a protector with all of his heart, she could see it with everybody he cared for. She could hear it in his voice when he talked about “Sammy”, whom he still thought he had to protect, no matter how big and strong the guy had become. From what little Dean had told her about his past the loss of their mother and a hardly present father had left the two boys to care for themselves and Dean had had to grow up way too soon and taken care of his baby brother. She sighed and looked at Dean, who sat slumped on the couch, his hands resting in his lap, lost in his own thoughts.

All of the sudden his right leg started to twitch, his foot cramping up and Dean groaned in frustration, struggling to change his position on the soft sofa. Lisa worriedly moved closer to him, but refrained from touching him not sure what to do. “What can I do?” she asked. “Help me lie down,” Dean ground out between clenched teeth. “It’s a spasm, probably from sitting in the same position for too long.” He tried to push himself back on the sofa but clearly lacked the strength. Lisa moved around the sofa and gently put her arms around Dean’s chest, pulling him up and back a little, so he wouldn’t slide off the edge of the couch. Then she moved back to the front to lift his legs up. She was taken aback by how light they were and just hoped that it didn’t show on her face. But Dean was busy trying to relax despite the cramping of his muscles. Lisa grabbed another cushion before she helped him lie down, sliding it behind his head.  
Pushing back her hair behind her ears she watched Dean intently. The spasm was still there and she could tell Dean was very uncomfortable.” Talk to me Dean, “she demanded. “How can I help? Does it hurt?”

_Dean_

He clenched his jaw and shook his head. “It’s kind of annoying though. Kind of throwing me off balance and…” “What can I do?” Lisa repeated more insistently now. Dean brought his hand up to cover his eyes. He hadn’t wanted Lisa to witness any of this, to feel this helpless in front of her, but who was he to fool. There was no way of hiding it. His body was broken and useless, but it still managed to give him trouble by getting out of control sometimes. . “He swallowed hard before he forced himself to speak. If she wanted to help, he would have to let her. If there was one thing he had learned in rehab and over endless fights with Sam was that there was no use refusing other people’s help because firstly -as he hated to admit-he really needed it and secondly they wouldn’t leave him alone until he let them do something-anything. It just made them feel better and they tended to be insulted if he refused their offer. So even if it made him feel like crap, he had learned to accept that it was the best way to go. “Just move my legs back and forth slowly, until the spasm gives way.” he said plainly. When Lisa hesitated, he added. ”Don’t worry, you won’t hurt me.”

_Lisa_

Kneeling down in front of the couch and carefully lifted Dean’s right leg, bending his knee against the tenseness and straightening it again. She repeated this a couple of times, then put it back down and started working on his foot, gently massaging it with her thumbs. When she was done, she continued with the left one. While she was working, she could feel Deans body relax slowly. Looking up she found him watching her intently, jaw clenched, clearly emotionally on edge. Lisa let go of his leg and moved up to sit on the edge of the sofa next to his hip. Dean’s eyes roamed around the room uncomfortably, avoiding her gaze. Then he moved his hands over his eyes that were glistening with tears. Lisa pried his right hand away from his face, urging him to look at her.  
“Dean…It’s okay.” Dean shook his head. “No it’s not,” he ground out louder than he had meant to.” Lisa flinched but held her firm grip of Deans hand. “What can I do to make you feel better.” Lisa asked her voice almost a whisper. Dean bit his lip and let out a shaky sigh. After he had swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat he answered in a voice lacking any emotions:  
“Nothing. …There’s nothing you can do.” He covered his eyes again with the back of his left hand. Then all of the sudden his voice was full of emotions again, so full that Lisa could actually feel his despair when he spoke again: “I just feel like I’m trapped in this useless body, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing ANYBODY can do about it. It’s like there’s nothing is left of me anymore. My Life is gone, my job…”He took a shaky breath. “All I ever knew, all I lived for was hunting, protecting people. I just don’t know what to do now... ”  
His voice faded until his words were barely audible. Lisa fought back her own tears and intertwined her fingers with Dean’s limp ones. She felt like pulling Dean into her embrace and never let go but she was afraid he’d break down completely if she’d do so. So she just sat there holding his hands. “You could always come back to us, to …this life,” she finally offered. Dean snorted. “Yeah right. Work at the garage, throw balls with Ben, take care of the house and the garden…,” he paused, before he continued, looking straight into her eyes, as if to test her reaction “making love to you, like I did before?” He shook his head. “It’s not gonna happen. NOT EVER again. “he stated. “Believe me Lisa. You cannot even begin to imagine what my life is like now. You don’t wanna get yourself a cripple to have to take care of. You have a son. You have a life. I’m not gonna destroy that.” Lisa opened her mouth to object, but Dean shook his head. “Please. Don’t…” He drew his hand away and, using both his hands to push himself up further until he was in a sitting position. He bent over, reaching out for his chair but it was too far away. He inched forward on the couch, shifting his weight back and forth and using his arms for leverage. When he still couldn’t reach his chair he stated cooly. “I’d like to go back to my room. Would you mind?”

_Lisa_

Lisa pressed her lips together and wordlessly pulled the chair closer to Dean. Then she watched as he pushed himself back over onto the seat.  
It hurt her to see how much effort it took him. When he had finally managed and started fumbling with the belt strap she couldn’t take it anymore. She got up and began to put away the remnants of their meal, being glad to be able to turn her face away from Dean, so he wouldn’t see her tears.

_ Dean _

Back in his room, Dean berated himself for losing control like that, for letting Lisa see his insecurities again. But that was just what she did to him. This woman, this house, they made him want to just sit back and relax into the cosiness of an apple pie life that he’d never had, or that he’d had until the demon killed his mom and that he had subconsciously longed for all his life after that, while he was killing monsters and demons, changing places like his shirts. He had always missed the feeling of a home he could always come back to. People he could come back to. For most of his life it had only been him and Sam, while their father was driven from hunt to hunt by his need for revenge for their mother’s death. Over the years John had totally lost sight of his boys. They had become his soldiers who had to obey his orders and Dean had more than willingly done so, hoping that he would finally earn the respect and maybe even love of his old man. But John was dead now and Sam was out there on his own, doing his own thing, with him being useless to protect him anymore. He had had no choice than to let him drop him off at Lisa’s so that he wouldn’t be in the way. He hadn’t wanted to come here in the first place, but he had realized that he had no other choice. With Bobby long gone also, Lisa and Ben were the closest to family he had left and he sure as hell wouldn’t have made it on his own even for only a couple of days. He sighed, fumbling in his pocket to get out his phone. He put it on his lap and pushed number one to speed dial Sam. He waited until the eighth ring, knowing that next thing the mailbox would kick in after that, then furious threw the phone to the floor. It fell to the floor next to him and he could still hear Sam’s voice message play. Remorse set in as he realized that Sam would be worried if he called and then recorded a voice mail without actually leaving a message. But hey, that would serve him right for not calling him. On the other hand he was screwed himself now, since his phone was now well out of his reach in case Sam called back or he needed to make a call later on.

He was glad when Ben came home from school a couple of hours later. First of all he was really excited to spend time with him, second he needed something to distract him from worrying about Sam and the hunt possibly going wrong. When he came out of the guest room, he found Ben pouring himself a glass of juice. The boy looked up, when he heard him approach. His face lit up and he greeted Dean friendly. “Hi! Want some juice?” he asked and when Dean nodded hurried to get a second glass from the cupboard and poured some juice into it. He was obviously confused, when Dean didn’t reach out for it, but shook his head instead. “Put it on the table for me, will ya.” Dean said quickly, wheeling over there.

Ben did as he had been asked and sat down next to him. Furrowing his brow he watched Dean as he wrapped both hands around the glass, slowly lifting it to his mouth. “What’s wrong with your hands?” he asked bluntly. Dean sighed and put the glass back down on the table. “Do you remember what I told you earlier? About the accident I had.” Ben nodded seriously. “I broke my neck then, damaging all the nerves that run along my spine. Those are responsible for making your legs and arms move and to feel stuff in them. Because they are damaged so badly I can’t move or for the most part feel my legs and my arms and my hands are weak so I cannot grab things properly anymore. I can’t lift my arms very high either. That’s because the muscles in my back and shoulders aren’t working as well.  
He looked over at Ben who seemed to take some time to wrap his head around this. Then he said. “Wow, that sucks.” Dean snorted. “Yeah. Sucks big time.”  
Ben looked at Dean curiously. “Can you still play computer games?” Ben asked drily. Dean laughed out loud. “I wouldn’t know, but I could try.” He said. “Cool!” Ben exclaimed. “I want to show you the new one I got.” With that he ran up the stairs and was back with his Playstation and control panels a few seconds later. He connected it with the tv in the living room and switched it on. Dean smiled at the boy’s enthusiasm. “Your mom’s not gonna like this.” He remarked, when Ben flopped down on the couch and handed him the second control as he took his spot beside him in his chair. “It’ a car race. The best there is on the market now, you’ll see.” Ben explained excitedly. Then, remembering what Dean had told him before, he got up and came up behind him. Reaching for the remote with one hand and for Dean’s hand with the other, he arranged the thing for Dean, placing his fingers in all the right spots, explaining all the while which button had which function. Then he started the game and drove the first rounds with him, pushing his fingers into the right buttons, whenever Dean was too slow or missed a turn. Dean slowly fell into pace and after a few rounds they were doing lap by lap smoothly. Ben moved back to his own remote and got settled on the couch. “You ready to race?” he asked in a challenging tone. Dean nodded and a smile krept to his lips. “Ready to go,” he said and Ben pushed the start button. Needless to say, Ben won the first races, but Dean seemed to get better with each round. For the first time in months he felt carefree and happy and like he could still succeed at something, even if it was just a stupid computer game.


	4. Chapter 4

_Lisa_

When Lisa got home she found Ben and Dean playing that new car racing game that she had gotten Ben for his birthday. She put down her bag and watched the guys quietly contently. They seemed totally lost in their own world. Dean seemed less tense and actually looked like he was having fun.

She watched them quietly for a little while, then cleared her throat to get their attention. “Hey guys. How is it going?” she asked, startling them both so they lost control over their race cars, and crashed them into the boulders. Both cars immediately caught fire and exploded. “Mom!” Ben exclaimed. “Lisa!” Dean imitated Ben’s intonation and both smiled. Dean turned around half in his wheelchair and found Lisa standing at the counter her hands on her hips but a smile on her lips. “I’m glad you two are having a good time, but shouldn’t you be doing your homework, Ben?” she asked. Ben frowned and threw the remote onto the sofa, then picked up his backpack from the floor and ran up the stairs, “I want retaliation” he called back to Dean. “Sure thing buddy” Dean said.

“Hurry up Ben, Dinner will be ready in half an hour!" Lisa called after him, moving closer to Dean, but not sure what to say or do. “So…how did it go between you two?” she finally asked, picking up the remote that her son had dropped then gently taking the one Dean was still clenching in his hands and putting them on top of the game console, which she unplugged with emphasis.” “It was great, actually” Dean answered, shifting in his chair, by pushing down onto the seat with both his fists. “So I found something I still can do after all, “he said with a smirk, however making Lisa flinch. “Dean…”she began, but Dean shook his head. “No, seriously. Ben was great, no hesitation, no awkwardness, just how kids are. They just go ahead and do what they think is right. He….actually made me feel like a person again.” He added, avoiding her gaze. Lisa sat down on the couch next to him. She felt the need to be close to him but knew, that he wouldn’t want to be touched. She searched her brain for something to say or do that seemed adequate, but every line she came up with was just cheesy or lame considering how profoundly Dean’s life had been impacted by the injury. Dean cracked a half-smile, that didn’t reach his eyes. “See?” he said calmly. “That’s what I mean. You’re hesitant and awkward around me. You don’t know what to say.” He looked down at his hands. “Dean, come on! “ Lisa raised her voice. “I don’t know what really HAPPENED to you, how you….got through this at all…I just don’t know what to expect.” She sucked in a shuddering breath. “You appear at my front door just like that, sitting in that chair and tell me you just wanted to drop by while Sam’s doing some work?...Seriously? How AM I supposed to react? What the hell do you expect me to say?” her voice had become louder with each word and she started worrying if Ben could have heard her. To her surprise a wide grin spread on Dean’s face. “That’s more like the Lisa I know.” He said. “But seriously? I’m not rollin’ around unloading my crap onto everybody who doesn’t wanna know. That’s just not my thing. But if you want to know something -go ahead; just ask! I won’t bite.” Lisa smiled a bit herself. “Well, I’m not too sure about that.” Dean nodded. “You’re right, it’s not the most pleasant story to tell, but I’ll try my best to answer, okay?” his voice grew softer. Lisa shifted her hand and put it on top of his right one that was lying in his lap. “Maybe talking around some wine later would be easier,” she said sincerely. Dean frowned: “You have wine. I prefer beer, if you don’t mind.” Lisa got up, giving his hand a small squeeze as she did so. It felt good to have Dean back around and see a glimpse of the man she had known before shine through the quiet and withdrawn demeanor Dean had displayed the last couple of days. Lisa resisted the urge to intensify the touch and wandered over to the kitchen, where she started to prepare dinner.

 *****

Later that evening, when Ben was fast asleep Lisa put down her wine glass onto the low table, contemplating what she was going to ask or how to begin. Dean was sitting in his chair and hadn’t even made an attempt to get comfortable. He was cradling his beer between his hands and judging by the way his jaw was tensed up he wasn’t too comfortable with the conversation they were going to have. He took a big gulp from his beer before he reluctantly said: “So, fire away. What do you want to know?” Lisa wrung her hands nervously. It felt like it wasn’t really her place to ask Dean about his injury and what came with it. After all they weren’t together anymore. They had broken up, hadn’t they? She sighed: “So, you got hurt on a job?” she asked, thinking to herself how strange that sounded, like being wouded in the line of duty. Except nobody was going to thank him for that or honor him.

Dean nodded. "We were chasing a vengeful spirit and it somehow drove us off the road. The car flipped over a couple of times and I hit my head on the roof, when it landed upside down.” He said. “You know, I remember it like in slow motion. Every movement of the car, every sound, Sammys screams…”he paused. “I think I even heard my neck crack.” Lisa shuddered. Dean blew out some air and continued. “Next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital, though I must ‘ve zoned out for a couple of days. Sam was sitting at my bedside, all plastered up in bandages and casts. He had a broken leg and wrist, a concussion and a lot of cuts to his face.” Dean chuckled bitterly, “The first thing I thought about was how this freak accident had ruined Sammys pretty face.” He shook his head at himself. “I mean we’d had enough broken bones and stuff, so I wasn’t too worried about that. What REALLY worried me though was Sam’s reaction to me waking up. He practically jumped out of his chair and called for help like crazy. I wanted to talk to him to calm him down. That’s when I realized that I had a vent tube stuck into my throat and I started coughing and choking like hell. I tried to sit up and tear that thing out instinctively.” He paused again. “But it wouldn’t work. Sam was all over me then, trying to calm me down, but I panicked. I felt like I was choking and I couldn’t move a thing.” Lisa swallowed, tears welling up in her eyes. Dean took another swallow from his beer. “That’s when I knew it Lisa. I KNEW in that very moment. I knew I was paralysed. They didn't need to tell me. I tried to get back to sleep, just slip into unconsciousness again and never wake up. But Sammy was there, he called out to me, he needed me….” He finished off, a bitter tone in his voice. “So I pulled through. Six weeks in the hospital and three months of rehab, and THIS,” he made a waving motion over his entire body. ”This is the best I could get.” He took another sip from his beer and stared into space. “ Everybody keeps telling me that I’ve made great progress and they are so proud of me yadda, yadda.” He shook his head. “Yeah, I’m off the respirator and I regained the use of my hands to some degree. I guess I have to be thankful for that.” Lisa picked up her wine glass and took a long draught to wash down the bitterness she could taste in her throat, the regret, that the man she had loved…that she still loved had been hurt so badly. Suddenly she felt the urge to kiss him, to touch him like she had before, before hunting had driven him away from her that horrible accident had broken him. She longed to find the man she had known in this broken shell in front of her to feel as close to him as she had before. So before even thinking it through she got up and moved over to him, taking the beer from his hands and carefully sitting down on his lap. As Dean backed away a little, Lisa placed her hand at the back of his neck, until she felt him relax a little. “I’m glad for every little thing you can still do.“ she said sincerely, gently pulling him into her embrace. She shuddered a little when Dean’s hands came up slowly and a little unccordinated behind her back, so unlike the strong and determined grip he’d had before. Lisa fastened her own grip instead, holding Dean close, craving for that feeling of safety that he always gave her. A familiar warm feeling rose inside her stomach and she pulled away a little leaning her forhead against Deans, longing, expecting him to kiss her like he had always done, waited for his hands to be all over her, to slip under her shirt and turn her on so much they’d never make it to the bedroom.

But nothing like that happened. All he did was close his eyes and turn his head away, his hands still lingering at the small of her back in a weak embrace. Then she could feel them slide down until they rested on the handrails of his wheelchair. “I’m sorry,” he said shaking his head. “…I can’t.” Lisa stood up nodding her head, unable to look into his eyes. Lisa felt her heart clench and stood up from his lap embarassed. “No. I'm sorry..., she offered. "I...I’d better be going to bed. It’s late. “she quickly said, trying to ignore the hurt and disappointment she felt. But what the hell had she been thinking? He had just confided to her about the most painful time in his life and all she could think of was getting close to him? No, she corrected herself. Sure she was attracted to him, but most of all she wanted to comfort him, to tell him that he was not alone, to show him how much he still meant to her. …”Still”…that sounded so wrong in her head. Maybe “Still”, as in “even though they had broken up”, but definitely not “Still”as in “despite of the fact he was paralyzed”. She hoped that she’d be able to bring that across the right way some time. And if she did that he’d actually still want her. Maybe all he needed was some more time. And she swore to herself right then that she’d give him all the time he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. It has taken me quite some time to post this chapter since I've been pretty busy.  
> I hope you enjoyed reading how my little story continues anyway. Please write a comment to let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first part of the story. As you may have noticed, I'm not a native speaker, so please excuse any spelling mistakes or wrong words.  
> Also I want to say that I'm doing my best to describe the medical facts as realistic and correct as possible. I'm not intending to hurt or insult anyone. I'm just trying to relate how the characters must feel like in this situation.  
> Please tell me what you think.


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